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I know I mentioned awhile back, change was on the horizon.  I wasn’t kidding. 

I don’t know exactly when it happened; really, it snuck up on me, but I eventually came to a point of total burnout and I couldn’t get past it.  If you know anything about burnout, which I didn’t, it changes your whole perspective on life. 

Usually, when lives become difficult, people can see the light at the end of the tunnel.  They know that at some point, things are going to change; life will get easier and more manageable.  The tide will turn and maybe just maybe, tomorrow will be a brighter day.  And that has always been the way life was for me.  I was the eternal optimist.  Never say die, never quit, never ever be depressed because there was always tomorrow.

Well… things changed.

There was still tomorrow, but I couldn’t face it.  I had no more strength.  Lifting a finger became too hard.  Walking the stairs to the bathroom was too hard.  Seriously hard.

I started to ask myself why this was happening to me.  After a year of self searching and six months of prayer and tearful begging for a way out,  I finally realized that life was not going to get any easier.  Things were not going to change.  In fact, things were only going to get worse.  I chided myself for living in this delusional world of expectancy of the easy.  I was not going to have time with God; my health would not improve; I would not have time for my children;  I would never get out from under this pile; my house would never be clean; I would never spend time writing to friends I have met over the years; I hadn’t read a book in three years and I may never again; I would never enjoy my backyard, or play in the sprinkler with my children; my mother would die without spending time with her only child; I would not live a life of serving those in need, but only be living each day to free myself from each pile and to-do-list.  I would never ever turn into the three or four people it would take to run this business.  Those were the facts and I was finally facing them.

I grew more cynical, I felt completely overwhelmed to the point of total exhaustion.   I began to feel as though even God had abandoned me.  After all, I needed to work, I couldn’t just give it all up.  How would I support myself? Why wasn’t He helping me.  I begged, I cried, I pleaded.  And then I walked into the world and put on a happy face because no one really wants to hear the truth.  I was dying beneath that face… that facade.

No one had a clue what I was going through and how could I ever expect them to.  After all, how many single women do you know who homeschool, run a store from home and take care of ailing parents?  Yeah, me either.  Even with my best explanations, no one could really understand my situation without living it.  And had they, they would’ve won an Olympic medal in the “Run from Ugly Things Race.”

Finally, things grew so bad, I seriously began to question my own sanity.  My memory had become so poor, that my eighty-five-year-old father admitted I was in worse shape than him.  I could explode at any second and I woke up terrified each day that there would be some small mishap that would cause our boat to sink.  I couldn’t physically or mentally carry another thing and yet, everyone kept giving me more responsibility.  When my mother came home with a feeding tube and needed care morning and night, I finally broke.  I begged people to understand I couldn’t do it.  They looked at me like I was some pariah who was refusing to help her own mother, but in my own mind, I was one step away from a nervous breakdown.  I knew I would crash.

But isn’t His burden easy and His yoke light Hallie?  Yes, but the orders still had to be sent out and the piles on the floor stepped over, children fed and schooled and that takes someone with skin on.  And that someone was me.

And that is when God took over and appointed my oldest to do the job of caretaker.  He had moved her right around the corner just a few weeks before and had she not lived here, she would have never been able to take care of my mother and free me from the burden. 

And He wasn’t done.  I woke up one morning and knew that it was time to close the business.  I was done.  And I was confident that God would provide.  Not a doubt entered my mind.  I was finally 100% sure that God did not intend me to live this way.  He does intend for me to have a full life, full of joy and expectancy of His blessings.  Not sorrow free, but not like this.  I knew then, if I had not gone through this trial, I would still be living a joyless life.  I would never come to a place of rest and confidence in His ability to provide for us.  He does not need me to run a business that takes over out entire lives, to take care of our financial needs.  But, He can still provide me with income and a job that allows me to stay home with my children. 

So if you’re wondering what I will do now, well… God only knows, but I have started the arduous task of closing Blue Thistle Books.  We have thousands of dollars in inventory that I must liquidate.  I feel sick when I think about it, but God will bring us through this too.  He will give me the strength to do that which He has asked.

And for all of you that have come here and faithfully encouraged me….thank you.  I haven’t had time to respond, (and I hate that fact,) but your words have lifted me up and given me the grace to move forward, burden free.  To my two closest friends…(you know who you are!) I love you both.  Thank you both for being my laughter, my Kleenex and my temporary escape from this burdensome world.  

 365/195

Tonight there will be no picture; I don’t have it in me.  There hasn’t been much that has made sense to me today.  Every seemingly insignificant thing that topped my priority list yesterday meant nothing today, after hearing the news just after 12:00 am this morning about little Christian unexpectedly passing away. 

The moment I read the opening line of Amy’s email, I knew my eyes would next fall upon words I would not want to read.  When I then saw Marsha and David’s names, I did not want to read the next sentence and I held my breath for a brief moment.

Since then, there has been no words to describe the pain I feel in my heart for my dear friend Marsha and her family.  The tears I have shed over the last twenty-two hours cannot begin to come close to that of a parent that has lost their most precious gift in this life.   Although we can look into the faces of our own children and only imagine how we would feel, I know that we could never really know or comprehend their loss without living such a nightmare ourselves.

Even though we know that little Christian is in the loving arms of Jesus right now and is rejoicing in his heavenly home, the mama, daddy and brothers that loved him so, are living through their very darkest hours. 

Through our human eyes we can never make sense of such a tragic event, but through spiritual eyes we know that God is with us, holding us up, when we cannot stand to face such overwhelming sadness and grief.  We know that only God knows the reason and as many times as I have asked why today, I know that there will not be an answer.  I do know that in God’s sovereignty, He is just and right and good and above all, He loves us deeply and is deeply pained to see our broken hearts.  Ultimately He does that which will bring glory to Himself and only heaven will bring us the answers we so desperately seek.

“To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness, that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified.”—Isaiah 61:3

Please pray for Marsha, David and the boys. I know that our words will be insufficient at such a time as this because nothing but Jesus can heal these wounds, but yet our prayers and support will be needed from this point forward.  Until this family is reunited with their sweet “Dozer” in eternity.

The righteous man perishes, and no man takes it to heart; And devout men are taken away, while no one understands. For the righteous man is taken away from evil,

365/133

Well I am finally home after a long stressful day of waiting, but the great news is, my mom is doing fine.  She came through the surgery better than expected and that is a very good sign.

The surgery lasted about nine hours and the waiting was intensely emotional, but God is good and she is finally past the hardest part.   

When I left she was in the ICU with a breathing tube in and still fairly sedated, but she heard my voice and tried to crack a smile, true to the sweet always-thinking-of-someone-else-mama she is. 

Well, it’s time for bed, but here are a few pictures I snapped today while walking around New Haven trying to take my mind off the surgery.

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Tomorrow is the big day – the surgery day.  I am emotionally exhausted, but at peace.   My mom is is not worried at all.   There are blessings that come with a brain injury; this is one of them.   She truly lives in a world that has no worries.  We should all be so blessed.

I know it’s in God’s hands and there is no better place for it to be.  And thank you for all your prayers; they are greatly needed.

This is the view of a streetlight from a puddle in my driveway.

Project 365 – Day 60

I don’t think I have ever seen anything as majestic as this sight and the pictures will not do it a bit of justice. They are just a small taste of the beauty we watched as we exited my favorite Jewish Deli.

It was like God was smiling down at us in the parking lot of his chosen ones.  I was in such awe, I considered that Jesus would come through the clouds at any moment. Really, It was amazing.

The clouds were so low, and stood almost still with small bits of lower lying clouds, swirling and twirling in this glorious dance, right above our heads, unlike anything I have ever seen. I asked Tim for his camera, with me being the photographer at heart I am, ( I didn’t have mine.)

Eventually not only was the entire parking lot looking up with cameras in hand, but the patrons of the restaurant next door, were doing the same.

If this is what God blesses us with on earth, I can only imagine what we’ll see when we go home!

Project 365 – Day 30

Today I was taken right out of my comfort zone and placed in an upper middle class New England neighborhood, knocking on doors, handing out a free gift of batteries to be used in the homeowners smoke detectors. Why? Well…the idea was a connection point to the person, that could lead into a prayer and blessing of their home, healing of broken hurting hearts and showing God’s love for them.

Our church attended a conference this weekend given by the founder of Impact Nations. The conference was about releasing the Kingdom of Heaven and training us to reach up to heaven to God’s resources, to then release them into the lives of the hurting and the sick as God has commanded us to do.

I must say, this was far from easy, but I am grateful that God brought me out of my hiding spot, emptied me of some self and sent me to a place of discomfort. I dare say, after going into that posh neighborhood, where there was nary an admission of any need, having many doors slammed in our faces and approaching hostility with a smile, I can honestly say, I think it will be easier next time. I can tell you without a doubt though, next time I will be hoping for a nursing home! Somehow the elderly aren’t as scary.

We all met up after our mission, to find that many people could not even get rid of the batteries they had. People just would not accept them. I would bet my last dollar, it would be a bit different in the southern states, but I could be wrong. New Englanders are not known for their warmth.

We gathered to hear some encouraging stories; one in particular that touched me deeply. A woman that had just lost her husband about a month ago, had been sitting in her home praying that God would send her someone to pray for her. She wept knowing she could not meet her bills and knew little about moving forward in this life alone. But God answered her prayer with a knock at the door and the very spirit of our Heavenly Father reaching out to comfort her in her time of great sorrow.

Now there were many stories of healing today, but this one gripped my heart. And if I had to do it all over again, it would be worth every slammed door and disgusted look, just to have God meet the needs of this one woman.

I was told today that 97% of Christians do not ever say, “May I pray for you?” I am sad to say, I am part of this statistic. But no longer. I am stepping out to meet the needs of others because that is what God calls us to do. And although it is not comfortable, I challenge you to do the same. Will you join me?

Now we are not face to face, but why shouldn’t I start right now? So, if you have a need and you would like me to pray for you, please feel free to email me. I would be blessed to do just that.

I’m sure by now most of you who stop by here know that I am a single parent. It’s something I spend very little time discussing, not because of shame, or fear of judgement, but just because I prefer not to dwell on what I don’t have and focus on the many blessings that God has given me.

I have always felt completely capable in the strengths God has provided me with and His ability to meet any need that I may have, but there are moments that little thoughts and fears creep in and attempt to disturb my peace.

I always find myself taking extra care, washing my hands more often to rid me of those potentially dangerous germs, driving with a bit more caution than usual and dwelling a little more heavily when my aches and pains stick around a bit longer than I think they should. That is the nature of being a single parent.

However, the part I dislike the most is when I get sick. It can be really rough when you feel like you want to crawl in a hole with a box of Kleenex and a bottle of NyQuil and not surface for a week, and yet you know, there is no chance of that happening and you just have to tough it out because you have children depending on you.

I have a teenager that can be very helpful when the spirit moves her and I am very grateful for all she does, but often I find myself feeling a little guilty for asking her to carry so much responsibility. So despite my illness, last weekend my daughter spent the night at Kimmie’s house and I was feeling pretty horrible. When she arrived home on Saturday carrying a huge container full of the best chicken soup I have ever tasted in her arms, I couldve cried….in fact…I think I did.

Kimmie spent all Saturday morning making that chicken soup. No one has ever done something like that for me before, which in itself was enough to make me break out the tissues and sob. So not only was that incredibly delicious soup helpful in making my physical self feel a whole lot better, it was even more helpful in healing my soul. Maybe Kimmie doesn’t know it; maybe she was just being her gracious, giving, loving, kind self, but that chicken soup let me know I am not all alone in the world and I do have people I can call on if I need them. I know that they will not just respond out of their Christian duty to be a good neighbor, but because they really want to and ….because they genuinely care for me. So thank you Kimmie for blessing me so much more than you probably realized you would.

Ok, now that I’m done with the serious stuff….I thought you should know that I have declared Monday “Markdown Madness” day. Mostly, just because I’m not fond of Mondays so that seemed like just as good as any day to slash a price.

So, starting this week and every Monday until….well, until I forget to do it….I will have one product or series on sale with a serious discount. This Week Charlotte Mason’s Original Homeschool Series is 30% off its original price! But, it will only last until midnight tonight and then the product will turn back into a pumpkin along with the price.

This is the complete works of the turn-of-the-century British educator, Charlotte Mason. The six-volume set includes over 2,400 pages of the finest material ever written on education, child training and parenting. Recognized as the pioneer in home education and major school reforms,Charlotte Mason’s practical methods are as revolutionary today as when they were first written….List Price $58.95 Sale Price $41.27!

Have a marvy day!